My Life

 

So. Ok. Here we go. I am so sorry that it has been a while since I have really updated this thing. Honestly I am not sure if anybody but my bestest reads this, but whatever.

 

I really wanted to attend Liberty University in the fall but unfortunately that would include Sarah having to take out $17,000 in loans and I am not that crazy. So I will not be making it back to Liberty in the fall.

 

Before I got home in May I had started applying for jobs and by the last week in May I had probably applied for like 50 or 60 jobs. And I heard back from 2 and they were no’s so as you can imagine, by the beginning of June I was stressing out, and God and I were have a conversation everyday that went some thing like the following:

 

Sarah: God, I am trying to trust you and your plan but if I am not going back to Liberty, I need a job for the summer if nothing else.

 

God: Just trust me.

 

Sarah: Fine, maybe you let me not have a job so that I could work NC East Camp and do some work for other people.

 

God: No, you aren’t supposed to work at Victory Mountain this summer.

 

Sarah: Fine, but what am I supposed to do?

 

I was starting to come undone at the edges the first weekend of June. Then on June third I heard about a nearby camp that was in need of some more counselors for the summer. So On the 4^th, I called them and got an interview, and met with them. On the 5^th I got offered a counselor position that allows me to do one of my favorite ministries and be paid a little something. By the 6^th I was training for the summer. Now in the 5th week of camp, I am finding a blessing in not only ministering to the girls that are coming through my cabin but also in ministering to the staff and letting God minister to my heart and continue the work that he was begun in me closer to completion. So that is the Job that God has blessed me with until August 2^nd.

 

Alot has been going on with my family as well. May 11 was my family’s last Sunday at our church. Dad has been roofing with my brother. Sorry I have got to go….Break is just about up. Later.

 

S.

 

 

So I got “yelled” at though the internet last night. More updates are coming. I promise. Patience is a virtue.

Today was a really really rough day. There was a while today were I felt (and honestly still kinda feel) that this is just too hard and I don’t want to do it any more. How messed up is that? No, I would never do anything to hurt myself, but today, I just did not want to live.

I felt so self conscienous and ugly, and I was just hurt. And I am trying to take it to God…but honestly…I just want to be numb right now…I really NEED rest and peace. I just don’t know…

God, I am trying to trust you right now…but I am hurting alot and I need you to come through for me. Please.

I finally decided last week to try and stay at Liberty. I have actually been happy some of the time. I have smiled and enjoyed life. I told my parents and they were less then thrilled. Since I decided to stay here, I have felt so opposed. I have not slept well. I thought that I was going to have to come up with 7-9 thousand, and that was a stretch for me and I was praying to God to help me find the money, and to help me have the faith to trust that he was going to be my Jevovah Jireh. And then Thursday night I found out that I will be getting like any aid ‘cept my academic scholarship. And I am trying to trust God…but I have no idea what end is up right now.

What am I supposed to do in like 32 days for the summer?

Am I suppose to be back at Liberty this fall?

What about a major?

 

I have no idea…Later.

Let me be the first to admit. I struggle. Everyday is a struggle for me. Life is not easy, especially trying to live ransomed and redeemed. IT HURTS.

Even in the past few days I have learned some new things that are causing me pain.

Earlier this week, I got to talk to my ex-boyfriend/good friend Josh. No, I am the one who ended things (because I thought that I was too much and no one should have to be with me.)  but there is hurt there. I realized this week that I am still struggling with him and wounds that I recieved through that I am now realizing, Like I left that relationship feeling very undesirable. That has affected me so much. We dated in 9th grade for the second time for 6 months. In all of that time we never kissed. And I wanted to be kissed. I wanted to be desired. What is even more difficult about it is that I have not dated or been in another relationship in the past 6 years. No one has shown interest. And I know that the Bible says that I am a beautiful creation of God and I have a beauty to unveil, but I don’t think so. I hear people say Sarah, you look lovely today, or I love your hair or eyes, but normally all I see is a ugly fat girl with uncontrolable frizzy, curly hair. How am I to live as God created and intended me to be when I don’t daily believe that I His perfectly created child and I have a beauty to unveil.

 

So I am home from school for spring break. This is interesting. Part of me loves being home and part of me doesn’t

Why you ask? Well, I am glad to be home so that I can enjoy some of my close friends that live in my hometown and my some of my close friends that are at school are coming home this weekend so I will get to see them. But I don’t like being home at the same time. My family is extremely stressful to me.

So my bestest friend Christi started this new blog on Word press and I really like it…and so I am going to blog over here from now on.

 You will quickly come to realize that some of my blogs are more like journal entries, some are devotionals that I write and some are questions or issues that I am pondering.

I love feedback, so please leave me comments…